If you are looking to start a friend with benefits relationship you are reading the right article.
It’s a Wednesday night, winter is beginning to arrive and you have just got home, after a horrible days work.
You eat some dinner, grab the remote, and plant yourself on the couch, mindlessly flicking from station to station. All the while, dreaming about having a girl call over who knows what’s up: Sex, fun, play and no direction towards a ‘monogamous agreement.’
To many men, having a friend with benefits or a “fuck-buddy” (as it is so romantically referred to), is the holy grail of relationship types to those who have led a sexually inhibited life.
When guys approach me for coaching, it is one of the most requested desires from coaching.
So, why do guys find it so difficult to achieve this dynamic in their lives? Let’s look at some of the main areas, and what it takes to have HEALTHY “friend with benefits”.
Knowing What You Want
This is main area that men start at. They have a small idea, but really they do not know what the fuck they want. Do you? Do you know what you want?
This creates many problems down the road, especially while interacting with women. If you do not know what you want right now, and your intention is to get to know pretty girls and talk to them, then just that is perfectly awesome.
If you want a monogamous girlfriend, awesome.
If you want a friend with benefits, awesome!
You must have a clear and decisive path, because otherwise you will be building on a scattered foundation with many sinkholes.
The reason for this is exactly what you see in the majority of relationships. The guy started out just wanting to have casual sex with girls. He began sleeping with a few girls regularly, treating them all like his girlfriend. Like his one and only.
He starts to break HIS OWN rules and commit more to each one of them. Maybe he starts to like 1 more than an other, but he is still insecure, and does not want to lose anyone. What happens now? He starts to lie to keep the ship afloat!
Everything begins to spin out of control and everyone ends up leaving the situation much worse off than they initially arrived.
Why does this happen? Is it the girl’s fault? NO! It is the man’s fault.
You are completely responsible for the dynamic you bring to her. It is not her fault she has ‘fallen in love’ with you. Many insecure men will create this space for women to fall into all the time in order to feel validation, break her heart, and then go and boast about it to his buddies as if it is something to be proud of.(or even worse, write about it on the internet)
I’m pretty sure you have an experience of a friend, acquaintance, or even yourself boasting and celebrating this type of situation. I’m afraid there is nothing cool about having a girl fall for you. It does not mean you are super cool, it means you are an insecure and weak man-boy. The phrase “asshole” can also be applied here, but it really doesn’t do any justice!
All the situation is documenting is your ability to NOT be a decisive and effective man. You are celebrating your weakness. It is hideous.
There is nothing that says more about a man’s character, than seeing 5 of his regular women smiling and relaxed when in his presence. With each one of them knowing EXACTLY where she stands with him. Knowing ones role creates a confident and at ease environment. It creates security. This is exactly where the woman needs to be.
This man knows what he wants. He is clear with women out of respect and a basic foundation level of intelligence. It cannot get messy when she is ok with everything, and she knows her role. A man who is in his purpose does not and will not waste time with messiness, and it shines through in his behaviors. He is living at a higher vibration and in a deep alignment with himself.
In order to put this in motion, lets talk about the next ESSENTIAL character trait a man of clarity has.
If you want to be sharing sex with many beautiful women casually, you have to be comfortable with that intention and your decision. You cannot be half-assed. Life will eat you right up!
If you are worrying about what society will think about you, or what your mother, or friends, or ex-girlfriends will think of your lifestyle, it will be impossible to manifest. Women will not trust you if you are trying to convince them to be ok with it. You must be ok first, and bring that energy to the table with you.
How you behave with expressing your sexuality from the very first moment you see her, will have a profound impact on the direction of the overall dynamic.
I live a very ‘eccentric’ lifestyle according to many people. This grants me amazing life experiences. I live in whatever country I choose to. I travel when I want. My life fits into a carry on bag. I wander and share the company of many beautiful women on a very regular basis. Many inhibited and trapped people label me with terms such as slut or man-whore (their words not mine).
Many people judge me and my lifestyle, to my face, and to others. But you know what? I do not give a fuck. I’m happy. I know I am a good person. My intentions are beautiful, and I bring love with me at all times. I am CLEAR and DECISIVE on my intentions. This is important. Otherwise any little criticism will knock you over, and force you to question your choices.
I choose to follow, pursue, and live out the life I want. I move through life on MY OWN terms, which I fully believe every man should be doing. People I encounter will judge me or question me on this. That is perfectly fine.
What will I NEVER do?
For what? Why on earth would I apologize for going after the life I want and for living through my purpose? It is the others who live a miserably mediocre life that I could never partake in.
I have been there for many years, and it’s not for me.
If that is someone’s choice, then all the power to them. I want everyone to be happy. I allow everyone to live and believe in the ways they want, and I expect others to extend the same respect to me. If they don’t, I do not tolerate them, nor do I allow them to facilitate any space in my life.
You will find that not everyone will. Some will stem from blatant jealousy, some from frustration, some from deep social conditioning, and others from sheer confusion as to how it is even possible; Those people are my favorite, as they are ready to explore.
Nobody is better than anyone. No one has more value. We all came from a vagina, and we all turn to dust. We are all equal. We are all one of the same, in different stages of our lives.
The basis of this mini rant, is to have you understand and FEEL, that you can do and live in ANY way you want.
If you find a girl sexy and you would like to just have sex with her without anything else (to me that is beautiful and connected, its sex for fuck-sake), then be ok with that and let her know. It doesn’t have to be in blatant verbal words right away. But the premise is to really bring this to the table with your intentions and vibe.
So many men feel bad about just wanting to sleep with lots of girls, even though it is all they think about. Why do you feel guilt or shame? CONDITIONING!
I encourage every man to think for himself and follow his intuition. To follow his love. To follow his penis, which just so happens to be where our love comes from.(no that was not an intended pun)
Sex is beautiful, and it is the closest you can get to another individual physically, mentally, spiritually and energetically. That, is fucking beautiful, so do not allow anybody else to tell you otherwise. You need not argue your point, ever. They believe what they believe. You believe what you believe. There is no such thing as right and wrong. Only what is right and wrong for YOU! Give everyone permission to stay on their own path. You need not try to convince anyone of your way.
Start to check in.
Being unapologetic with your friends with benefits is the only way it will maintain and continue in a healthy way.
I mentioned this a bit earlier in this article, with regards to the guy who is casually seeing 5 different girls and he starts to get feelings for individual girls, which results in lying. Resulting in women who think they are this guys one and only, when really he is lying and covering his tracks.
Yes, it will eventually implode and fall apart. Creating a HUGE mess, where the man loses all of the women.
If you only want to be a casual sexual partner who has fun, and still wants to (or is) sleeping with other girls…STOP TREATING HER LIKE YOUR GIRLFRIEND!
If you walk publicly down the street holding hands and tongue kissing in H&M, or introducing her to your parents and friends, it’s all over buddy!
Even if you only want to share sex with her, you have knowingly placed her into situations, which would be confusing to every woman and human being alike. If you are vague, she will begin to come to her own conclusions. This quickly results in her wanting to have ‘the talk’; “so, what are we?”
YOU are in charge of the role you place on a woman. You create the space and give it meaning to her. Realize this and take responsibility. Most men are just afraid of saying something to make the girl sad and it is coming from a caring place. I understand this, as I have been in this place in my younger years. All I cared about was not having her cry or feel bad, so I would lie to protect her.
I suffered from a condition known as “being a disrespectful little pussy”. If you too are afflicted, sort it out. NOW. You are not being kind. You are refusing to face a potentially difficult confrontation head on. You must start doing this if you want to begin to simplify everything in your life.
Personally, when I am seeing a girl casually, we meet once a week MAX for some sexy fun time and to hang out. I adore any woman I choose to have sex with and be intimate with.
Incase you have not grasped this concept yet… I have expressed it in many roundabout and direct ways so far. Yeah…BE HONEST. If you feel you are getting feelings of monogamy or commitment, and would like to change your rules or the dynamic, say it! She must know!
If you are sleeping with other women and she asks you…tell her! To hide it is a disgusting sign that you are not coming from your most powerful place. Instead you are treating her like mummy, who you must not upset.
You MUST hold your integrity as a man. If you don’t, she will feel it and most likely leave you before you work up the nerve to be real with her.
What Is In It For Her?
This is the first question I ask men who come to me looking to create a space for many sexual partners. It is a question you have to ask yourself too, and to be super honest with yourself.
If you were a woman, would you be your own friend with benefits? Would you date you? Why?
It’s still alarming the amount of guys who will say, “yeah I want to be sleeping with high class models. Who are athletic and toned, with a great personality”, yet he lives in blue Cheetos stained sweatpants and refuses to go for a jog or wash.
Understand that women, and life in general, is a mirror of you. The women you are with are a direct reflection of where you are at in your life.
For me, I am aware how much I have looked inside and changed my life (and continue to). I have explored many different lifestyles, travel, spirituality, careers, hobbies and myself. Sexually, I am connected to myself and I have become incredibly good at helping a woman explore her orgasmic heights along with sharing mine.
In my opinion, I have SO much to offer women. I move through my life with this. Am I super handsome and full of muscles? Hell no! But that is irrelevant!
Now, you may be telling yourself “I have done nothing with my life and I have not experienced any of that, so I have nothing to offer a woman”.
When you bring your honesty, openness, sincerity and vulnerability to a woman, that is all you will ever need. Never disrespect your own time. This, in a package, is your strength.
Be real with women, and stop hiding behind your social conditioning. A man who is unapologetic about where he is in life, and is stepping up, is like crack to women.
I remember in my early years telling a slightly older girl “I have only slept with one girl. I know nothing about sex and I am looking for a woman who can teach me how to make her toes curl in her own unique way” – Of course, with that level of honesty, the fact she can stop trying to be socially correct and have the opportunity to tell a man exactly what she needs during sex…. She JUMPED to that offer. I learned so much from that beautiful girl.
I assure you, underneath all your fear and confusion, you are an amazingly powerful man. You must meet that power. That’s where I come in!
If you would lie to re-connect to yourself and change your life when it comes to relating to yourself, and women, make sure to check out my coaching packages, or just email me at firstname.lastname@example.org
Chris Bale's Blog
Founder & Head Coach.