I mentor/support/question/guide men pretty much full-time, 6 days a week at current.
Something that always becomes quickly obvious, is how men who have taken 'be direct' as dating advice, are using it not from empowerment, but as a crutch.
The crutch, is made from of lack of self-awareness, understanding and confusion. The expression of their 'authenticity' is mostly a carbon copy of the coach who shared how to 'be direct'. It's all a giant cluster-fuck.
Let me dive right in to this and SO much more, and attempt to free some issues up. This article is a monster. I shall start randomly...
Why not drop all your intentions to get something from her? Such as her attraction, or her attention, or her validation, or her number or her body? This assumes she is a good human being for you...but wait...you haven't even fucking met her yet!
What about dropping all those intentions right away? How would that go? How would that change everything?
How about trusting that the above desires will all occur naturally if you simply shift your intention from "I want to get" to "i want to first explore our dynamic together, and see if we like each other", which is what we naturally do with every new human being we meet...until it comes to women we are attracted to.
There are never expectations or outcomes when you meet new people. It progresses if it is enjoyable for both people, and it doesnt progress if it is not. When it comes to a woman you are attracted to, all these desperately rushed needs and expectations are flung at the situation, stressing men the fuck out.
When I made the shift to meeting girls how I would everyone else, EVERYTHING changed. It became simple to meet new women and have intimate, beautiful, and spontaneous relationships with them effortlessly, all the time.
This happened because it was not me trying desperately to DO something to her, but instead, something we began together and built together, organically, as 2 separate individuals.
The 4 core ingredients:
1: You feeling good about yourself and your life, wherever you are currently at.
2: Owning the fact you have a cock, you desire women, you love sex, and you know sex is a beautiful thing.
3: Playful naughtyness. Having fun with yourself, and not taking this whole thing too seriously. It is all very fun and easy once you stop seeing yourself as broken, and instead choose to bask in it and find the humour in every aspect of your perceived short-comings in life.
4: PATIENCE! Sit back, all you gotta do is be there. Allow her to get comfortable with you, then she can do what all women desire...to PURSUE YOU!
With this way of being, you need nothing more, the women will move it forward just as much as you are. It will grow together. You will never ask 'how do i escalate' or 'how do i get her into bed'.
I want women. I want to fuck women. I want to feel women, physically and emotionally. I want all of that when I lay my eyes on the ones who inspire me. I want to know her. I want to know her in relation to me, and her to experience my world in relation to hers.
Every so often I must still remind myself when I am in the presence of a woman who i REALLY like: "Chris, dude, chill out, let it happen, stop trying to rush it, you are not giving her what she needs from you by rushing." So yeah, I know how difficult it can be when all you want is her, right away.
CHILL, get playful and amuse yourself while she learns to like and get comfortable experiencing you.
Instead of trying to get her, you will start inspiring her to be with you. The space you grant her, will allow her to appreciate who you are as a man, and your true values come to the forefront.
Back to when I see a beautiful lady...I realise, I know NOTHING about her, who she is, or how she BE's!
My intention when I see a beautiful woman who catches my attention is to FIRST go and explore what I just mentioned. Sure I like what I see, but that does not mean I will like what I feel.
To assume any girl is exactly right for you, based on how she looks physically, is what is causing you all this anxiety and difficulty. The root of this problem is stemming from your own self-worth issue.
When you generally like yourself and understand that there is no reason you are not enough for every physically gorgeous woman(It is your self taught mindset that tricks you into believing you are not), you begin to search for more. You actually want to look under the hood and check everything out before choosing to dive inside and drive, exclaiming your unwaivering devotion.
Sure the car looks beautifully pristine externally, but when you actually sit inside and start driving it, it may not be something you enjoy. It may not feel right for you.
This is why I do not enjoy going over and exclaiming how amazingly beautiful she is and how much I want to take her out on a date...because it's not true RIGHT NOW, therefor it is not real or authentic, it's not direct. It's a lie. I am lying to her. This is when you use 'direct' as a technique to get.
Under the cloud of excited horniness, if i choose to poke and question a little deeper into my truth...What I REALLY feel is "There is something about you that really attracts me. I wonder what type of person you are. I wonder if we have chemistry"...so I go over from that point of being, and say some collection of completely irrelevant words, allowing her to respond to me. I start to feel her, and she, me. THIS is real, authentic and direct for me in that moment.
Im not there to approach her or pick her up. I dont know her. I am there to first explore how we communicate and intertwine together. Then I can decide If I would like to be more intimate with this person.
"Hey...what's your favourite cake?", I said to the stunning Croatian girl laying down her towel close to me on the beach. She responded to me. I started to feel her. Gradually, I could start deciding if this is a sexy person I can have fun with? Or is it someone who is sexy but will bore me to tears.
Basically, the point I am making is just because the girl is gorgeous, does not mean she isnt going to be a lazy, boring, mentally damaged individual who will do nothing but drain life from you. Or to a lesser extreme, you may have no chemistry with each other, which for me, is incredibly boring and unfulfilling. I like myself. I deserve to be happy.
I used to sleep with the girls I had no chemistry with, simply because they were sexy. It was empty, and I started to feel terrible about myself. I was 'settling', thinking I did not deserve looks AND an awesome personality/ human being.
A big point to make so please take this on board...WOMEN DO NOT WANT YOU TO CHOOSE THEM BASED SOLEY ON THEIR APPEARANCE. It is empty for them. It does not make them feel any bit special, significant, appreciated or loved. She knows you only want to use her body as a self validation tool so you can feel better about yourself. Women want to be with a man who already likes himself, and does not need her to do so.
This type of highly evolved man will choose women via integrity. Sure her physical attractiveness is still a huge side to this, BUT he needs her personality and character to be something he resonates with, desires, and is in respect of.
Stop short-changing yourself. You don't have to have anything in your life sorted to deserve this. All you need to do is OWN every aspect of who you are, and like yourself enough to always be moving forward and going for what you want in life. Look after yourself as much as you would a loved one.
I see many guys with superficially attractive women who treat the man like shit, because of course, he doesnt care as long as the hotty stays around, so his ego can be validated as 'worthy' by his social group. When he jumps through hoops for her demands and leaks every last ounce of his integrity, she moves on to the next guy, leaving him feeling worthless again. He must quickly aquire his next arm piece.
If you allow anyone treat you like shit, if you facilitate that space, then most people will treat you like shit. Not because they are bad people or 'bitches', but you have been subconciously allow and seeking it in many situations. They are nice enough to deliver the shit, until you wake the fuck up. See it as a blessing.
(sidenote: yes, some people are inherently messed up and will lie, cheat, murder, steal, but these are the outliers.)
We walk around presenting and facilitating a specific space that others choose whether or not they want to step into it. There are supportive and nourishing spaces, just as there is draining and dangerous spaces. You choose yours by knowing what you want, dont want, defining your own rules in life, and holding them intact. Setting your boundaries and expectations from people, yourself, and life.
When you like yourself, you only spend time around people and situations that you know are good for you, in alignment with you, and lift you up on your purpose and mission.
The world is full of physically beautiful people, many of whom are in NO way enjoyable to have in your life (i know this as I have experienced it), unless all you want to use their external body for is a meaningless egoic-fuck of validation. If that is where you are at, it will pass, as it has no choice.
If you meet her to explore, also holding onto the fact you are a sexual man, and just be with her without asking for anything, something wonderful happens...you both start to experience each other very easily and quickly.
A shared space is created. It's both of ours. Then we act on it.
Going to "approach" and game/convince/impress is ALL one sided. You are there trying to DO stuff TO her, instead of allowing you both to grow together in a shared organic experience.
Your job is to show up and have empathy to the fact she needs some time to be ok with this new person. If you sit back and allow it, your romantic world will change. If you push it, force it, and attempt to get...you will continue to be stressed, frustrated, burnt out, and suffer great difficulty trying to "figure this all out".
Nature has it handled for you. You must only show up and allow the space, silences, time, and eye glances to do what is completely fucking biologically normal.
I hope this can help shift your current way of being, thinking, and relating.
If you really want to dive into transformational change in every aspect of your life contact me for coaching. It's what I do, all day, everyday. If you commit to greatness, then I can commit to guiding you there.
Be well, you deserve it!
Chris Bale's Blog
Founder & Head Coach.