The thing about approach anxiety is to realize that it is not actually a thing. You make it a thing. Approach anxiety is learned, and used to label something which is actually a very positive guiding sensation that occurs in your body, when you see a woman you feel sexually attracted to.
Feeling sexual attraction for her is all you need. That is enough. Unfortunately, society has done a pretty awesome job in conditioning us to jump up into our minds, and go through our internal limiting belief structure. THEN, we move forward through the veil of our own self designed bullshit.
How does this begin?
You see a girl you like. How do you know you like her? Easy, your inbuilt and ever knowing intuition tells you on a physical/energetic level. You feel it extremely viscerally.
Up to this point, it has all being going right on track. Until, after this feeling, we decide to jump up and enquire with our mind.
We all have a specific veil we see the world through. This veil, aka our self conditioned identity, generally has no basis in reality. This veil is all muddy with our fears, cautions, and conditionings we have wrapped ourselves in through life.
Unfortunately most people are in alignment with this conditioned and logical aspect of themselves much more than who they REALLY are.
The real you, resides in the present focused moment, and resides in the body sensations and the way you relate to them. NOT in the mind.
What is Anxiety?
Anxiety is the result of future projections. It literally has NO basis in reality. It lives in the fairytale land of ‘what if’, and has the drastic conclusion of penetrating our entire lives in a devastating way. It dictates the way people structure their day and life.
“So, how can I maneuver today in order to avoid the dreaded anxiety?” – Everyone’s day!
The mystical label of anxiety is firmly rooted in 21st century life. There is an entire medical system built upon this label of avoidance and continues to increase its popularization amongst society.
Anxiety ruins people’s lives. I know this, as I once was also a victim of anxiety on a constant basis.
It got to the point where I would have panic attacks daily for no reason. My immune system was fucked because of the high internal stress levels, and I was sick every week with swollen glands in my throat being the most popular.
It was caused by running from the fear of anxiety. It really blows itself out of proportion. It is impressive in a way as it is not even real. Anxiety is only a label, which everyone will experience differently according to their own veil.
Anxiety is the COMPLETE result of self-avoidance, which is usually down to lack of understanding. Facing it and processing through it, you quickly discover it has no foundation
How does all of this relate to pretty girls?
Well, the feeling you get in your body the moment you see a beautiful woman is awesome. Then in a millisecond it is dragged upstairs to the mind and viciously pushed through your ‘what ifs’. The end feeling is terror and unrealistic fear.
You learned how to have approach anxiety after you heard of the dating industry. It is a convenient label you now use as an excuse to not be your best self.
How to kill Approach Anxiety
Easy. Begin to react before it has the time to become a thing.
The quickest way to ‘fix’ your approach anxiety is to revert your focus to generating self-trust.
Self-trust is the most life changing quality that I have ever chosen to build. Practicing self-trust will begin to quickly reconnect you to back to yourself, and allow you to take mass action/risks. The beauty is, once you work on this, there will be no approach anxiety to fix.
Sure you will still feel all the social conditioning rolling around your brain constantly at the beginning(and depending how deep in it you are), but it wont matter, as you will not have your attention on trying to get away from anxiety, or to fix it. You will be instead learning and applying the concept of truly trusting yourself.
This was the most life-changing concept I have ever arrived on.
How does this manifest in my life when it comes to starting up interactions with women?
When I see a beautiful or sexy woman who inspires me, I feel it in my stomach, chest, and penis. Just like you. At this moment, I do not think about ANYTHING.
I don’t think of what I should say, or what if she has a boyfriend, or if I will be bothering her, or If she will think I am a creep. None of this goes through my head.
Because I focus on self-trust, the result is complete surrender to the moment. I am totally open to whatever is about to happen.
I realize and understand that my intuition and instinct is incredibly smart and adaptive. I accept it knows far more than my logical mind ever will. I REALLY accept this. For me to question its response or judgment would be very ignorant of me, and also of you. Your body& intuition knows!
With this natural instinctive knowing understood, I realize that trying to think of anything to apply to the situation is idiotic. So I don’t. I do not step in.
My intuition told me about the woman. I am not about to take over at this point and try to micro-manage an interaction through my veil of conditioning. Again, it would be idiotic.
What do I do? I shut the fuck up, and allow it lead.
I see her.
I feel her.
I walk over to her.
I NEVER plan anything. I never hesitate to think. All I do is immediately move my legs in her direction and arrive at her. I trust myself!
I trust that I am a man and she is a woman. I trust that many women enjoy interacting with men. I trust that it will all be ok, regardless of the response or outcome. I surrender to it.
I trust that when I arrive at her, something will fall out of my mouth. Whether that is Hi, or my name, or a comment on something I notice…words will arise. Every time!
The most powerful thing about this way of being is that you enter an interaction empty, clean, relaxed, and open to all possibilities. It is a beautiful feeling. When you go in empty, your self-aligned truth has the space to flow out of you, and sometimes, it doesn’t feel like that, and that is ok too. I trust the process and the experiential journey.
This way of being grants me a much more enriched and exciting life than hesitation and planning could ever do.
There is no such thing as kind of trusting yourself, or 50% trusting yourself. It’s either all in or nothing at all.
I fully believe that my internal self has the situation handled. I trust that human beings have been doing this for years before dating advice began. I trust in my internal code. I trust in my DNA. I trust in my intuition and instinct, which is endlessly creative once I choose to let go and surrender to it. I trust in the fact that whatever socially awkward or silly thing happens, I will survive, and even better I will have grown more, combined with a funny story.
When you give yourself time to plan for failure, you enter the interaction creating that dynamic, and ultimately when a response happens that feels negative to you, it feels SO much more intense, and you react to it SO much more strongly. Of course you do, you have been preparing for the part all along.
When a so-called ‘negative’ response happens when you go in with self-trust and empty, it means nothing and has pretty much no effect on you. It’s amazing actually.
Many people see handing responsibility over to their instincts, similar to letting a drunken baby drive their car. If you hand your trust over fearfully, you must wake up and understand that your intuition is FAR more intelligent and equipped than your mind will ever be. Logically we know nothing of it.
What I DO know, is my life(and the life of my clients) runs much smoother and simpler when I give it the trust it requires to step up.
You need not plan ANYTHING. To do so thwarts you creativeness.
Another trap you must be careful of is the trap of forcing presence.
That seems to be everyone’s answer to approach anxiety:
“Just be ‘present’ man.”
I regularly find myself coaching clients who have worked with other dating coaches in the past, and before going to talk to a girl they will be super nervous and feeling very internally tense (which is all fine by the way). They will start stamping their feet on their floor or doing some meditative exercise to get ‘present’.
Newsflash…running from yourself and the emotions rolling around your body is not being present!
That behavior is using something as a technique to self-avoid. Why are you being avoidant? There is nothing wrong with the intensity that is rolling around your body. That is where your sexual energy and charisma lies. This is what inspires women to be drawn to you.
Being ‘present’ is being comfortable being uncomfortable.
Being present is being with whatever arises and not running from it.
You must stop relating to presence as a tool to escape the self labeled ‘bad’ feelings. There is no such thing as bad inside you.
It is all apart of your power.
Many people will do the exercises they need to be present ONLY when they feel bad. Just like when you lose your job and decide after 30 years to get on your knees and say prayers to god.
Using something only when you feel badis never going to truly change your reality and way of relating.
Being present and conscious is not a technique. It is a way to live your life. This WILL change the way you relate to your veil, and life massively, if you choose to really be with yourself on a full time basis. It is the most rewarding journey of life.
So, let me conclude with this:
Start to trust your instincts and apply this practically. This means when you feel something inspirational, you surrender to that calling, and you trust yourself enough to just fucking go for it. Being uncomfortable is awesome. As is smashing your identity to millions of little pieces.
Planning is never necessary and only serves to rinse you of your spontaneous power. The more you relate to life withself-trust, the more conscious and present you will begin to live. The more you will begin to delve deeper into your well of knowingness. The benefits are endless.
Will girls love you and respond awesomely? Fuck yeah!
Will girls dislike you and respond in a closed way? Fuck yeah!
Chris Bale's Blog
Founder & Head Coach.