In the previous few months, I have been deepening the content and message I am sharing with you, other men, and women alike. Although the one topic I cannot escape is when it comes to men approaching/starting interactions with women.
First of all, let us not use the word ‘approach’, as to do so, wrapshundreds of negative connotationsaround the action, which the dating industry has created.
It also signifies what you are doing is dangerous and you must be fearful, just like approaching a dangerous animal.
Women are only dangerous to you, if you are dependent on a specific response from her. Then yeah, you bet! She will threaten your ego.
I don’t approach women. I share with women.
That is how it feels. I am sharing my awesomeness with her, and I am allowing her to do the same if she so pleases.
The concept of saying hi to a pretty stranger has been severely over complicated and romanticized in a negative light, causing men to label themselves as having deep-rooted problems, when in essence it is terms that have accepted without questioning anything.
When you go and interact with a woman or even a man for that matter, what is it you are doing?
How about when a stranger comes and speaks to you? What happens?
We OPEN ourselves to another human being, depending on how they feel to us. So, let us replace ‘approaching’ with ‘opening’.
Let us now look at the biggest mistakes when it comes to opening women.
Not knowing what you want
I remember when I first heard that I could just go and talk to women during the day. It was amazing to me. I was very excited and equally as nervous. I knew nothing about myself, or what I even wanted from these interactions. I was simply ‘approaching’ just to approach.
I would talk to loads of girls and it would never go anywhere. In many cases I would walk up and deliver my line, and have no idea where I wanted it to lead,or what I wanted to talk about. I had ZERO internal direction.
I see this in so many of the men who come to me for coaching. They are very unclear with themselves, which transmutes to the woman. The interaction hangs in this weird asexual limbo. You should be leading it moment by moment. Otherwise all you do is heighten her confusion.
How to remedy this? WHY are you starting a conversation with her?
I am not about to tell you why. That question is for you. It has nothing to do with me. Once you find the honest answer inside by being REAL with yourself, then own it. Make no apology.
At the other end of the spectrum, many men begin interactions with women, having their intentions being something completely unnecessary. I never open a woman with the intention of sleeping with her, or seducing her, or even investing in her. To do so would put lots of unnecessary pressure on me, then her, and suffocate the interaction.
This is what leads men to anxiety. The vast amount of pressure and expectation they place on everything.
When I see a girl I am attracted to, I keep it very simple:
“There is something about her I like, I am going to go and meet her”, or “Oh, a pretty girl, I want to go have fun with her”.
That is it!
It is super simple!
I know I can always walk up to a complete stranger and say ‘hi’. Sure, I am initially attracted to her, but she could be a crazy person that I have nothing in common with and zero chemistry. For this reason, I never place any importance on initiating an interaction. There is never any investment initially. I am there to explore the dynamic.
I respond and decide where I want to lead her and the dynamic in a way that is relevant to the moment. I listen to her and feel her response. Then I take it in a specific direction, which makes sense to where we are both at.
Initiating an interaction with a girl with the intention of fucking her is completely idiotic. Many guys will stick to this rigidness and change nothing. Even if they speak to a super shy girl. They continue to blaze on all “mode one” and shit.
You must be sensitive to where she is at in her emotional state and what aspect of you she desires.
There are 2 types of women: The ones who are open to me, and the ones who are not open to me at this time. Simple eh?
My only job is to show up and to say ‘hello’. That is it. Then I give space for both of us to vibe and feel one another out.
If you are a guy who is trying very hard to abide by all the dating rules and the pick-up-artist structures, you will never be happy in what you are doing. You have your structure; it is standing in front of you telling you exactly how she wants to be interacted with at this moment in time. Wake the fuck up.
I remember desperately trying to maintain the façade of super cool and smooth with girls. It would not allow me to feel any other human emotion, which would cause huge amounts of internal stress and pressure. It was a need to live up to a certain superficial level of coolness. In the end I imploded and got to know myself properly.
Nowadays, I behave however I am feeling. I am not just one aspect of a person. This acceptance brings an awesome fluidity to my life, where I never feel the need to hide or run from anything.
You do not have to define yourself. Allow yourself to be everything you feel, when you feel it. You will never escape uncomfortable feelings, which is the basis of trying to get into states you deem more effective to ‘get’ a girl to like you.
These are all self-avoidance tactics. I urge you to start getting comfortable being uncomfortable. Love and nurture the uncomfortable feelings in you. Support them, and they will support you.
The BIGGEST issue we have as not only men, but as a society, is thinking!
Most spend their lives projecting all the terrible things that may happen in the future, and feeling down about all the things that happened in the past.
In order to not only be able to effortlessly interact with women, but also your life, you must start developing your awareness of the present moment. The more you can live in present focus, the happier and stronger you will be.
Why does approach anxiety exist? Because you wait and give it all the time it wants to take over.
You see a girl you think is attractive and you want to talk to her. What happens? You hesitate.
In this moment of hesitation you attempt to THINK of all the best things to do when you do actually walk over to her. You start to plan your words aka your ‘opener’.
This disease of hesitation is very clear when you look at the ‘opener addiction’ that men have in the dating industry. They search for and need the things and stuff to say. Being prepared may seem like the smart thing to do, but it adds so much pressure and eventually kills your charisma and natural spontaneity.
I have a personal structure of being when it comes to opening and initiating conversation with a woman I FEEL attraction for.
When I see her, my first step is to act on my feeling, which basically means walking over without thinking of what to say. I go in blank, only focused on the feelings she instills in my body.
When I get to her, something WILL come out of my mouth. Usually it is something along the lines of ‘hello’ or ‘excuse me’. The words are not where the power lies. The power is in the man behind the words and where he is at emotionally.
Then, my next step is to respond to her reaction or whatever comes up.
I give myself no plan, as this only instills negative fear based actions. When I walk up empty, I do not give myself the option of preparing anything that could go ‘wrong’.
Done! No pressure ever!
I never worry about nonsense such as being direct or indirect. Those are pick-up techniques.
All that matters is I am connected to the physical feelings in my body.
These can befeelings of arousal and happiness, or nervousness and uncomfortabiltity. I never avoid it. I embrace it, and allow myself to be fully present with it and fully human.
When you stop running from the uncomfortablity, you cannot be controlled or influenced by it.
Even right now. I am sitting in a large food court, and there is a table full of lovely ladies to my right. I am feeling lots of intense things rolling around my body as their femininity is enriching me. I allow them. I am enjoying my own power and vitality rushing around my body. I am being with it. I am breathing openly with no attempt to avoid it.
Before I would of tried to look as cool and manly as possible, adjusting my seating position and doing unconscious self-avoidant things such as holding my breath or shallow breathing. This was all out of fear. This was dispersing and stopping my own power and intensity. This is where your charisma lives.
What I am most excited about is engaging with them once I finish this article.
Are you prepared to be comfortable being uncomfortable?
I hope this simple guideline will be applied in your life. It will allow you to experience much more freedom.
To enquire about coaching, please check out the mentoring section of my website to view all my packages.
Chris Bale's Blog
Founder & Head Coach.