When guys break through the initial fear of walking up and saying ‘hello’ to a pretty girl, the next issue that usually arises in my live coaching programs, is he will attempt to leave the interaction as quickly as possible.
This will encourage him to take on specific behavioral traits of supreme discomfort and disengagement from the situation, and his own emotions.
If I was gifted a dollar every time I told a guy he must adopt patience with women, himself and life, I would not need to work anymore.
I’m sure this scenario sounds somewhat familiar. Let’s say you are talking to a girl you are very attracted to and you want to sleep with her. You are so attracted to her that you feel super shy and nervous inside, and you don’t know what to do with it.
All of this intense energy rolling around your body makes you go into a state of rushed avoidance and you scramble to get what you came for (her number), then bail so you can relax again.
This way of being is SO fucking common. I urge you, work on this way of relating to yourself, in every aspect of life.
In the majority of situations where we feel internal pressure, we try to figure out how to get away from it, which only serves to increase the level of negative tension inside you.
I want you to begin sitting into your uncomfortable feelings and being with them. Surrender to it, and you will be amazed at what starts to happen.
Now, why am I tying this to the concept of interacting with women? Easy: because this ‘I must runaway’ feeling is stopping you from having amazing and sizzling interactions with beautiful women.
Why do women Bail?
I am not going to pretend I know every reason why women choose to check-out of an interaction, but the most common core reason is…she is bored, which leads her to lose any possible interest she COULD of had in you.
So, you go and say hello to a woman you find very attractive. You are doing your best to hold eye contact with her, but inside you are freaking out. You are aware of your sweaty head and shaky limbs. You are desperately attempting to hold it all together. You are starting to feel like you are running out of things to say. At this point, you decide the best thing to do, is to arrive as quickly as possible to the end of the interaction, so you don’t have to sit in this social tension anymore.
You start speaking…VERY fast, and all in up-talk. You become the warrior of anti-silence, filling every single gap of non-noise for fear of that pressure increasing.
You finally feel you have said enough of your cool things, and then you go for the number aka the victorious snatch, aborting right after.
If any of this rings true for you, then you must begin implementing 2 things.
Firstly, start to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. You have to meet these feelings head on without trying to disperse them through movement and speech. Ideally you should breathe into the intensity and allow it to increase. The more energy you are holding, the more innately sexually attractive you become to everyone and everything. Life will be drawn to your magnetic field.
Secondly, you must understand that talking AT someone without listening or sharing the court is not connecting or in any way sexually inspiring.
This type of behavior will bore a woman to tears, as she has no input or creative role in what is happening. Speaking all the time is doing seduction TO her. Seduction is something 2 people SHARE with each other, and both have input in.
“He is so boring"
Guys who do nothing other than speak about their own accomplishments to brag, will not be able to hold a woman’s attention very long. I am not telling you to avoid sharing who you are with her, but you must allow her and LEAVE SPACE for her to invest as much as she desires into the interaction. (Once you are enjoying her company obviously).
For a woman to really connect with and trust a man, she WANTS to share herself, and have him not agree with every last thing in a gross and needy supplicating way.
Women WANT to have to prove their specialness, just like every other human being. We all want to feel as though our true selves matter.
Very beautiful women are never called on to prove or invest anything. The human and emotional part of them is completely disregarded, and they are handed compliments, supplication, and superficiality for free. They just have to be there.
When a man is interacting with a woman and he is doing all the ‘work’, the woman will instantly label him as a taker. He is not worth her time. She knows and feels this by his energy and actions that he has already decided on her worth, based upon her physical attributes. She has no need to show her true self, as he has already demonstrated himself to be a weak male who feels lacking inside. Why else would he be working so hard for her approval and attraction?
She tars him with the same brush as 99 percent of other human beings who interact with her.
In my opinion, there is nothing sexier and more attractive than a person showing up in their purest form of authenticity. When I am interacting with women, and people in general, I want to really know them. I am endlessly curious about people.
Combine this with the fact I have done a HEAP of internal work where I really know myself of a felt sense level, and I am aware of what I want/don’t’ want in my life.
That being said, when I am speaking to a beautiful woman, I am very demanding of her to invest into the dynamic. If she has no interest in me, that is fine, she will leave. BUT, if a woman chooses to share company with me, I demand of her to show me who she is. I show up fully in my life, and I will not tolerate anything less from the people I share my company with. In many cases I will have to provide a certain space of realness for her to step into in order to open up, especially if this way of interacting is new to her. I have no problem with that. I expect it. It is the people who do not want to be real who I do not waste my time on. This is just showing myself and the other person respect.
We live a life of automated social responses to social questions. People get away with not having to show up real all day every day. Our society is actually dependent on that fact.
Stay dumb, self-avoidant, and disconnected, they say.
Sure, this way of relating is far more comfortable for people, but being avoidant and comfortable never connects, inspires, or turns on anyone. It never improves anyone’s life, instead forcing it deeper into avoidance.
In order to have a sexual connection and vibe with a woman, you must arrive with your edge. You must be the facilitator of, at times, an uncomfortable space. It is essential. Dancing in sexual tension happens via the pressure created between you and the woman.
This is as simply applied as eye contact and silence, when really you are expected to be speaking.
Simple to apply…yes.
Easy to sit in…hell no!
This is something you must start to get comfortable in.
The moment you start to demand more from a woman, or anyone for that matter, the more they will respect and care for you. Why?
Because you call her out!
Because you care enough to do so!
Because you are willing to put yourself in an uncomfortable space in order to encourage her, to show you who she really is.
Because finally, she has an opportunity to show off to someone who will not just accept any old answer. Someone who is present of all the bullshit.
Guys ask me how to inspire a woman to dive right into his reality; the above is your answer.
When a woman is telling me about herself, and she says something along the lines of: “I work as a teacher”, in my reality, she is not finished.
To me, that is not a good enough answer. That is her social answer, where most people do not actually give a fuck. They will blow straight over it by saying “oh awesome”, and move to their next pointless question.
Luckily for her, this is not a social interaction. This is an interaction of integrity. That answer is not enough.
If she gives me an empty answer like the above, I hold eye contact, and say nothing. I stare blankly, leaving space for her, which she will ALWAYS step into and speak more on what she previously stated.
Why? Because it feels uncomfortable for her. The silence and presence shakes her the fuck out of autopilot, and in many cases she may have a brain re-startup, as she is jolted into the moment.
I am fine to bask in long periods of silence and uncomfortable situations as I have learned to not fear my own internal sensations and power, but most other people are not.
When you apply this type of respecting pressure on someone, they WILL fill it desperately, to get a response from you, in order to confirm the ‘section’ has been concluded and the pressure has been released.
She will then make note of how you have just made her feel.
Being unpredictable is not only to do with outlandish physical actions and techniques. The powerful and raw subtlety is gifted though your discreet sub communications and way of being which you cannot use as a technique. It must be real to you. This is why many people who use the concept of pressure and release to take from someone, usually ends up interacting with them in a very ‘bully-ish’ type of way. It doesn’t feel right to the other person, and often they feel victimized.
What I am talking about comes from simple understanding, love, and respect for the other person. It is a gift you are extending through a shared vulnerability.
THIS results in mass amounts of sexual tension and arousal.
Women call me a ‘bad boy’ quite a lot, when really I don’t see it in that way at all.
I am a ‘good man’. The fact I am not eager to please, uninvested, and put pressure on her to invest her real self into the interaction, makes me different, exciting, sexy, and unpredictable.
I was not always like this believe me. It has taken me many years of internal exploration, combined with huge trial & error. Luckily for you, my job is now getting guys to that point with clear and decisive mentoring.
Sexual tension is basically any non-life-threatening tension held between a man and a woman at any given time, where an open/honest space is allowed to build.
By speaking all the time, nodding and smiling you leave no space for her to feel intoxicated by your masculinity.
The result of you being like a limp-dicked puppy is she gets bored and leaves you ASAP.
The next day, you find out she fucked some guy called Channing who crushes beer cans off his forehead.
Women. Crave. Emotional. Fluctuation.
The beauty of this is nothing external really needs to be done. Doing less externally, and allowing yourself to be with all the hectic feelings inside will create this space for her to explore with you. Do LESS & inspire more.
Chris Bale's Blog
Founder & Head Coach.