I posted a recent status on my Facebook page, which was very short & sweet:
"If you are not ok with the worst case scenario of your actions...and your ability to handle it...you will never trust leaning into your edge in a committed way."
In essence it sounds quite simple, but if really understood and applied to your life, it will give you immeasurable freedom, and full permission to do the things that have always scared you.
The thing about fear, is that once the scary situation is imagined, it hits our body on a physical level, and makes us feel unsteady, confused, hot & bothered. In many cases the feeling is so overwhelming, that we stay stuck in it. It draws in all of our focus and energy. At this point, it is too bad to even think about taking action through.
Over the years of pushing my self through old comfort zones, I have come to find specific ways of relating to myself, and my external environment that allows me to basically "just fucking do it"!
I am no different to you, or any other human being. I have realised that every morning I wake up, it is almost like being reborn again. No matter how awesome I felt yesterday, I will wake up in a completely different state. I will enter the day fresh. My job is to begin externalising myself the moment I leave my apartment in order to open myself up to the world and be my most in-aligned self.
MY Biggest Problem
The biggest thing I had to overcome was my reliance on my emotional state. It is also the main hurdle for every guy who comes to me. They desperately try 1000 ways to maintain and be in a specific state which will allow him to talk to girls whenever he wants, 'confidently'. This is self-avoidance and fear of oneself on a mass scale. It is dangerous, and is an impossible place to reach.
I came to this conclusion pretty quickly in my journey. Thankfully, no more 'state-chasing'. Now I will take action in any situation whether I feel good or bad. If it is something I WANT to do, I will do it, easily.
When it came to initiating conversations with girls during the day, I remember seeing girls I wanted to talk to on the street, or in a coffee shop. As usual, the worst case scenario and negative stories would play like wildfire in my mind. Then I would avoid the situation, and feel terrible after. It is a vicious loop of internal rejection that I am pretty certain the majority of men live in on a daily basis.
I feel sorry for the men who live in cities like Barcelona, where there is 786 beautiful women per every square foot, all the time. They must look, feel bad, crush their own truth and expression, and go home and masturbate to porn. It is similar to starving to death in a fully stocked food store.
How Did I Overcome This?
The answer is actually much easier than anything else, and that is:
Asking myself what the worst possible scenario could be of me going and talking to her? Then making the decision of whether or not I am ok with it, if it were to happen.
Miraculously, in most instances, even though the worst case scenario might be a little awkward or embarrassing, I am pretty much always ok about it. I can deal with it, and I agree with myself that it is worth it. Most guys I offer this question to also arrive at the same answer.
The REALITY of the 'worst case scenario', usually comes in the form of the situation being very funny, or absolutely nothing at all.
The final hurdle is how you actually relate yourself to what has just happened.
For example if the girl calls you a loser and walks away, how do you relate to that? Realistically, I know I am not a loser. Also, she does not even know me in any real way, other than initial impressions. Finally, I accept that her reaction and words are coming directly from the fact she has probably being having a terrible day, week, month. Maybe she spent the previous 2 hours doing her hair to look pretty, it was super windy when she left the house, and her hair is all fucked up and looks like a birds-nest.
This has NOTHING to do with me. Peoples individual reactions say a lot more about how they are feeling and where their head is at, so please, don't take it personally, or you wont even make it through one day of stepping up.
I have found in many cases that a girl who was initially closed to me, was very open to me when I met her at a different moment in her day.
Don't be the guy who talks to a girl, she 'rejects' you, so you go home and download loads of ebooks looking for new answers.
You're smarter than that.
...It is wonderfully creative.
As I was walking to the cafe I am currently in, I was feeling super groggy and introverted. I saw a very cute Spanish girl walking towards me. She was quite far ahead on a very long and quiet road, which my mind loved. It gave it so much time to formulate worst case scenarios of how embarrassed and awkward I will be.
In that moment, i asked: Ok, what is the WORST case scenario to me right now?
I got images of her getting awkward and weirded out, telling me "no, go away from me", which results in me getting embarrassed, going red, bumbling my words, having an awkward silence and not knowing what to even say to her because I am so tired. Then I walk away feeling like an ashamed asshole. Oh not to mention how weird she would think I am.
"Am I ok with that?" I asked. Yes, I am. I am ok with that. I will survive and maybe have a funny story to tell. (The fact I am a dating coach and have approached thousands of women and slept with hundreds changes NOTHING. This never goes away for anyone)
So, what did I do?
"Excuse me....girl with the curly hair and red glasses...How are you?"
- "Im fine thanks?"
-"You look awesome today"
- "haha thank you"
I took it from there, and it was fine. None of my worst case scenarios happened. Sure I was a little slow and not with it in places as I was on computer all morning(which I told her). It was not only enjoyable, but it was also externalising my grogginess and allowed me show up in the day.
In general I was awkward and silly in the interaction...but does that ever matter? NO!
If you have chemistry with a woman and she likes you, it takes quite a lot of fucking up on your part to change that. We exchanged numbers regardless of my 'performance'.
Living like this has allowed me to understand and grasp that learning techniques for picking-up women is ridiculous. Sure, you can refine your interactions via understanding of polarisation, in areas such as voice tone, eye contact etc, which will lead to you attracting a larger variety of women, but the rest is either going to go left or right. There really is no other direction.
What is your worst case scenario?
-She will tell me fuck off
-She will ignore me
-All her friends will laugh at me and think I am weird
-I will feel really intense feelings in my body
-Her boyfriend will come and beat me up
-She will think I am creepy and everyone will hear me.
SO THE FUCK WHAT? How does this impact your life negatively? How does it change anything? How does it define anything about you? Easy...it Doesn't!...Other than the fact you are a man who takes action and is true to himself.
If you think you have it 'bad', I have the label of a dating coach placed on me. You think I allow that shit stop me from being blown out hilariously and harshly hundreds and thousands of times? Hell no! Nobody but YOU define who you are.
I am not good with girls, nor am I bad with girls. It's not even about girls. It's about ME, and I am fucking awesome with me!
I want you to ask yourself the above questions in the moment when you are too afraid to take action. Focusing on going through it all and deciding to be ok with it takes you right out of the intense fear, and into an acceptance and surrender. This applies to every area of your life.
Take note that this is not something you will have to do all the time. Usually I do it maybe 1 or 2 times a day max. Sometimes never, and sometimes more. It is all dependant on internal and external factors.
Via this process I have learned to LOVE getting ridiculous responses from strangers. It is genuinely hillarious to me when a girl completely blows me out in a unique and over the top fashion. It results in an outburst of laughter, good vibes, and a good reminder NEVER to take myself or meeting new people seriously, because guess what...
You have no control over others(despite what the dating industry has taught you). What you do have, is the power of positive influence which shines through in the form of that magical element called charisma.
When you give up looking for specific responses, and focus on expressing yourself your life will change.
Give yourself permission to be an awkward and embarrassed mess. Even go as far as to look for situations that crush your silly identity and egoic fear. It is a constant reminder to focus only on the things that really matter in life, such as being true to yourself, and bringing love to others. Some will not want it, and that is fine, and hilarious to watch sometimes.
Chris Bale's Blog
Founder & Head Coach.