Recently I have been discussing the topic of sex quite a lot with my clients. I have also been writing quite a bit about it for my blog.
I have just finished a mentoring call with a student I have been working with the past few weeks. He is now able to start conversation and interactions with women, easily, wherever he goes, in a fun and enjoyable light.
His current issue seems to be sharing sexual intimacy with the women he meets. For some reason they decide not to engage sexually with him. As always, rather than attempting to weirdly dissect the woman’s actions and jump to assumptions, lets just go straight to the problem creator. Himself. After all, she is mirroring his internal world.
There can be a wide range of reasons a woman will choose not to have sex with you, and I intend to refer to the most prominent patterns I see with the clients I mentor.
Many of the reasons are idiotically obvious and simple, but I stand by the belief there is no such thing as a stupid question, so I will cover them all as proficiently as possible.
Lets right now get rid of the blatantly obvious ones:
Ok, now that the obvious is out of the way, let’s dive right in.
She doesn’t even know you exist
Most guys complain about not hooking up with girls, even after reading the encyclopedia of dating eBooks combined with all the ‘Secret’s’ positive thinking and vision board exercises and YouTube videos.
Other guys will even start meditating hardcore to spiritually kick the fear of approaching women out of themselves. They do this, assuming that all will fix itself after they reach enlightenment. Unfortunately none of this is true.
The major first step for most men when it comes to interacting with pretty girls is: Showing up!
Please hear when I say this; if you are attracted to a girl and you have never spoken to her or initiated any type of conversation with her, it will never happen. Life is not an ‘American Pie’ movie where beautiful girls will come and approach the nervous bumbling guy who sticks his dick in cakes.
I have had guys complain to me, with all their woes, expressing how sad they were and how nothing in their life will change because they are terrible with girls.
Me: “Ok, tell me how many women do you initiate interactions with and spend time around usually?”
Him: “Oh, none. Sure I already told you, I can’t meet girls.”
Get the fuck out of here!
It’s not that you cant. It’s that you don’t. It’s that you won’t!
If a man doesn’t want to have amazing experiences with women, enough to at the very least, be prepared to face some degree of uncomfortability, then I cannot help him.
I am very honest about this. Thankfully, in all my years of coaching, I think I have only ever had one man who legitimately did not want women in his life, and downright refused to tell women how he feels. That was coming from something much deeper.
The point I am making here, is that if you are complaining you have no sex life, and you are not even putting yourself out there, you do not have a problem. You cannot have any questions.
The reason the girl you like is not sleeping with you, is because she does not even know you exist. Go say Hi. Tell her you like her…THEN if you have any questions, I would love to help guide you to the empowering and practical conclusions.
This is the first point. Start putting yourself out there!
Living to Take/ Trying To Get It
The second hugely obvious reason women will not feel inspired to be sexual with you, is because you desperately need it from them, and usually anyone you can get your paws on. The feeling they get from you is that of impatience. You are creating no space for the dance. She is in charge as she is the holder of the cookie jar. The man’s intention is then to try and trick her into giving it to him. It disgusting. She is not your mommy.
I only want to be with women who want to be with me for me.
Remember the last time you had a street seller approach you being all smarmy and creepy. The vibe is super fake and offensive. THIS is the vibe of so many of the men who go out all day at the weekends to go ‘daygaming’. These guys are out to take, because the result is, with every number or notch on the bedpost, they feel a little bit more worthy of life. They feel a bit more masculine and accepted. This has 2 dangers.
The first danger is that you become dependent on external validation to feel good, and secondly, the overall vibe and structure of most daygame coaches is entirely disconnected and fake, leading the woman to flake regardless of how you felt the interaction went. You forced her to flake!
I recently remember overhearing one of the most well known ‘daygame coaches’ who trains hundreds of guys (who later become my clients after being broken and burnt-out), mention that his ideal ratio which he aims for is 2 new girls a month.
Eh, I don’t aim for anything and I sleep with FAR more girls per month than 2?
This is not to battle or boast, but instead to expose the bullshit for what it is. I have friends who are REALLY bad when it comes to interacting with women, and they experience more sexual abundance than that. But, the BIGGEST sign is that not me, or my ‘bad’ friend, go out with the sole intention to approach hoards of women for 6 hours on a Saturday.
It perplexes me on a daily basis how this sham type of training still has not been exposed. The trail of broken men lay everywhere.
But then we remember, just how lonely many of our fellow brothers are. They need relief from confusion, so they buy into the hype and empty their bank account on a 2 day or 10 day program. They even appear in feature length testimonials for these super well-known companies while the brainwashing and adrenaline is still running through their minds and bodies.
These are the men who contact me for coaching after the ordeal of burning out.
What is all this pick-up coaching based on? GETTING THE LAY! Getting the number. Getting. Getting. Getting. Getting. NEEDING!
Because you are told when you get the lay, you are better than you were before. The girl leaves, and you panic, because you must go and do it again with another girl to stay feeling good and worthy.
The reason women are flaking on you and not sleeping with you is because you are empty, not happy, and NEED her in order to make you happy. A woman wants to be with you, not ‘to’ you.
Women/validation is used the same way as drugs or medication. There is no difference between chasing validation, and chasing the pipe. You must ask the question ‘why’? The glory of women and sex is not a smart anti-depression pill.
Ask why do you need validation?
It’s pretty easy. It’s because you are not ok with yourself.
That’s where I come in with my work. Once you re-connect to who you are, all the answers become clear and the practical aspect of interacting with women is a piece of fucking cake. Women actually enjoy being around you, and do not feel like they are being gamed.
I hear the women I am surrounded with always talking about how this one guy was so desperate and creepy, or how that guy just talks loads of bullshit. “But I am not going to give him any sex” she says.
Most people would call that woman a bitch, and how dare she talk like that. Or ask her to get off the high horse.
Dude! If you interact with another woman in a manipulative and disrespectful way, that’s the dynamic you create for her to step into. So of course, she will have to step up and meet that shit head on. You are the facilitator of every interaction you are a part of. Get real!
I know many women who talk about other men like that. But, I also know them personally to be the most trustworthy and caring people. Why? Because I have created a different dynamic with them to step into. I facilitate that within them.
For the women who do not want or like who I am, they wont be a part of my life. Simple.
The heading of this point is ‘living to take’. I want you to re-focus your awareness to ‘Live to give your expression’. If you think a girl is really stunning, or that she moves in the sexiest way you have ever seen…be real! Let her know!
"If men would stop focusing on being 'Pick-Up-Artists' who 'Game' women,
& instead focus on being 'Self-Expression-Artists' who 'Paint' from their truth...
These current set Problems wouldn't exist!"
Give your expression and authenticity as a gift. Do not break your own integrity to prove anything to a woman. The paradox is that by doing so, she will not respect you regardless of the outcome. Her attraction for you will never last.
If you want to be FELT as attractive by women, you must start to FEEL attractive, and attracted to others. How do you do this? Give your honest expression for the sake of giving, not for the sake of a specific tailored outcome. This will fill you up. The responses of others are irrelevant.
Avoiding your sexuality
Where many guys trip up is they become ‘just friends’ with the women they are very sexually attracted to. This ‘friend-zoning’ is not the woman’s choice. It is the mans doing. He put himself there by ignoring his own truth and desire to express it.
Your job within being real is to be transparent. It is about owning your sexuality and seeing it for the beautiful and rewarding quality it is. Unfortunately we live in a world where most men do everything in their power to hide their cock.
Many men exist asexually, pushing down their desires, treating women like fellow males or even worse like their mother, petrified of being naughty or rude.
Their only release is in their bedroom with the curtains closed, shamefully masturbating to porn on their laptop. They do it quick in order to finish all the sinning behavior. They enter back into the world a little more docile and emasculated every time.
It is a horrible existence. I know because I was once there.
I have written so much on sexuality in my previous articles so please, read though them. The basis of what I am trying to communicate is that sex is GOOD! It is healthy and very attractive to women. Sure you may experience some uneducated judgment or criticism every now and again for speaking your truth, but who cares. The judgment is coming from the brainwashed herd who are living in sexual repression. Is the fear of keeping others happy, really worth not living your life to the fullest?
You deserve the most amazing sex with the most amazing women. But first, you must start being ok with your desires, your love, and your erections.
To reconnect to this, I want you to start following your instincts.
If you see a girl you like, go tell her. It is a gift, just for her, but when you express it, you too feel amazing and connected.
If you are talking to a girl and you want to hold her hand, do it.
If you want to kiss her lips, beautiful, make that move.
Be unashamed. Squeeze her bum playfully while she giggles. Be the man who gets away with it all.
“Oh that’s just Chris, he’s like that with everyone” - I hear this all the time. I am so comfortable in my own sexuality, it means I can engage FAR more sexually than most other men, because my comfort makes her comfortable.
I have said it before and I will say it again: “You do not build comfort, you bring comfort with you”!
I was not always like this. I was in fact the opposite. I would never dream of talking to a girl or being in any way sexual with her. My belief was firmly rooted in the fact that flirting is creepy and disrespectful to women. It was so disconnected from the reality of it all.
Sex is awesome and powerful. EMBRACE your magic stick!
Trust and discreetness
Another big long term issue men experience with women is the element of trust, which is primarily related to your discreetness before, during, and while you are/or already have engaged sexually with her.
Women have a very big social and sexual conflict. On the natural end, they are incredibly orgasmic beings with an ocean of sexual capacity inside, but on the social side, this must be carefully kept under control.
If you are a guy who is known for boasting or bragging publicly about your liaisons with other women, then you will be red flagged almost immediately: “never fuck him”. I’m pretty sure this is not what you want.
Creating tension and moving through the seductive dance is mostly via sub communication and intent, which is a pretty good reason you should be discreet. Not only does it make her feel safer with you, but it is also incredibly arousing and exciting.
I remember flirting with a girl only with the back of my hand brushing against hers for about 1 hour, playing with each others fingers at a bar. I was talking to my friends, she was talking to her friends, but in between, we were getting to know each other secretly. It was so damn hot. Eventually I gave her finger a little pull, and walked towards the smoking area. She followed quickly and we kissed before we even spoke.
Discreetness and subtlety is a language the feminine are innately accustomed to. When you can engage and relate to her on that level, she will go crazy, in the best possible way. Your presented sensitivity for foreplay will also allow her to trust into you much more.
Be aware of how you talk about others around girls also. As I said, talking behind peoples back is a horrible quality. If you are doing this to her about other people, she will assume you will do it about her to everyone else. Even if she wants to, she will not sleep with you.
In the tribe of society, reputation is vitally important to protect.
Facilitate the dynamic of you being each other’s naughty little secret at first. It is damn sexy and so much fun.
Lastly, I would like to briefly refer to the plight of a perfection mindset that will halt any growth and progression. I can highly associate with this. It took me over 12 months to stop and talk to my first girl during the day. I spent hours of my life walking around trying to force myself to tell a cute girl I liked her. My hesitation and fear was born out of trying to find perfection.
Let me tell you right now, that it does not exist. There is no such thing as a perfect line or a perfect word, or a perfect stance. It is all bullshit.
The striving for perfection in this area of your life, is the exact reason why this area of your life is flawed!
Embrace feeling weird and strange at times. Accept that as long as you are staying true to who you are, and owning your sexuality in a loving and honest way, you are doing good on this earth.
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Chris Bale's Blog
Founder & Head Coach.